this is going to be disorganised and messy. haha, so dun read it if you are having a major headache.
i find that life has many ironies. sometimes, i have no idea why i do certain things and at times, i do not find peace with myself and yet, i seem to know what i am doing. an example will be my love life. i realise i keep doing things that i hate and at times, i hate myself for doing certain things. like it seems as though logic is telling me not to do it and yet i follow my heart. its just plain weird why i enjoy upsetting myself, when i know in the place i will hate myself if i do it.
and at times i get so carried away with achieving certain aims that i seem to forget the true meaning of doing it. after my comms presentation tdy, i felt a bit disappointed. it was average and my whole comms grade will be determined after tdy. most likely, i will get an average grade which affects my GPA as a whole and my plans. so i spent my time feeling sad about it until i sort out my thoughts. i mean i did my best for the presentation already. it has always been the effort put in that matters most to me. i mean this is not the best i can produce but in that span of time, it has my fullest effort in it. that is sufficient. the rest we just leave it to those mighty ones up there. i just let myself carried away with the whole GPA shit and neglected the fact that i did my best!
and my feelings for a particular person suddenly dawned onto me yesterday. i always wanna share all my joys and sorrows with him. in fact, i slowly realise that he is gradually becoming someone that is irreplacable. somewhere close to the status of my dad or bro. it took me so long to realise that he has became someone that important to me. fortunately, the lack of chemistry and romantic sparks prevented any romantically-inclined feelings from me to him. but its true that he is a piece of my life and i confess that part of deepest fears is that there will be a change in the current status. small actions and word are sufficient to upset this balance and life is unpredictable. i hope things will never change and this balance stays.
